"Even if I accept what you say as true, it was a long time ago." Mary
suggested. "Even with Jim, we stopped being intimate a year after that
when he first got sick."
A.C. just stared. No matter what he said, the idea that she was
undesirable was so rooted in her mind that words were never going to shake
it.
"Mary, do you know that I grew up with you as my fantasy lover." he
blurted out, exaggerating the truth just a little.
"Me?" she responded.
"That's right." he continued. "I don't know how many nights I wished
that I was older so that we could be lovers for real. So if you could have
that much of an effect on me, how could you be anything but desirable."
"But I was younger then..." she shot back, unwilling to give up her
belief.
"I don't feel any differently now." A.C. replied. "I think you're just
as attractive now as you were back then. Maybe that's why I haven't found
anyone yet. I'm not looking for a Demi or Barbie, I'm looking for another
you."
A.C. let out a deep breath. He was talking without thinking, and he
was walking in a very dangerous mine field.
Mary sat silent for long moments as the only sound in the room was the
ticking of the clock on the wall and the beating of their hearts. A.C.
could feel beads of sweat on his neck that began to run down his back.
What had he said?
Mary finally smiled and reached out and took his hand in hers. Her grip
was firm but gentle. Her voice, when she spoke, was gentle and soft.
"You know A.C., when you and Josh were younger, I sometimes wished that
you were really my son. I couldn't have cared more for you if you were
though. Right now, at this moment, I'm glad you're not. Because if you
were, I could never say what I think I'm about to.
A.C. could feel a slight tremble in her hand, a tremble that could be
reflected in the pit of his own stomach.
"Take me to bed, A.C." she finally asked. "Be my lover for tonight.
Just tonight, I'm not that foolish to think there would ever be anything
beyond that. But just for this moment in time, help me remember what it's
like to love and be loved."
"Oh God!" A.C. thought as he looked at the sincerity in her eyes.
"What have I done?"
The ticks of the clock on the wall seemed to stretch to minutes instead
of seconds as he carefully considered his response. If Mary were just some
woman he met in a bar, twice his age or not, he'd have no problem taking
her to bed and forgetting about it tomorrow. But she wasn't just some
woman, she was Josh's mother. She was the closest thing he'd ever had to
having his own mother. He couldn't do something like this.
"A.C.?" Mary softly asked.
He knew she wanted an answer. He ran the words over in his mind one
more time. That the two of them would almost be like incest. Yes, that
was the track to take. Despite all his boyhood fantasies, they were almost
family. Didn't he read once somewhere where a lot of guys had sexual
fantasies about their mothers. A second voice told him that he was being
silly, no matter what he thought, they weren't related. She wasn't his
mother. Finally, a new question popped into his head. Why was it that the
idea of spending the night in Mary's bed didn't seem as bad an idea as it
did just a few minutes ago. Could it be that without admitting it to
himself all these years, it was what he really wanted to happen?